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Much more rational now
Nov. 14th, 2006 07:20 pmOne of my concerns with the last entry's topic was that I was thinking about all of it in an irrational hormone-driven frame of mind. I was worried I was making a rush judgment that I would then later regret. I was crying all night and freaking out and bugging John while he was trying to write his paper that was due two weeks ago. And then I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't turn my brain off.
So I finally got to the point at about 11:30 last night (had gone to bed at 10) where I tried a little EMDR relaxation technique on myself, with a special focus on where I was feeling the stress physically. Fell right alseep, didn't wake up when John came to bed, and woke up feeling much, much, much more rational about the whole thing.
We had a meeting in Rochester so I had to be up and to the office butt-ass early to catch my car pool. Then the meeting and then this big social luncheon thingy with everyone and then drive back and that was the day. So no chance to talk to my boss, but the whole meeting, I just knew that this is not the right place to be.
I know that if I were to stay on, I'd quit when I went on maternity leave so I could potentially start a class in the second summer session in June. With that in mind, I have come up with several reasons why it would be better to leave now rather than later, some I have already stated. First, it would look super shitty on my resume to have only worked at the job for four months. I have a couple where I was only there one year and that seems bad enough, but then throw in a four month one where I up and left when I had my kid... Not a good way to make a first impression with the resume. Second, it would be a giant waste of time for the agency to train me in a pretty intense position that takes a very long time to really get to know just for me to up and leave on them. That hardly seems fair to them. As a professional, I think that would make me a total asshole. Third, which I thought of today, that would be unbelievably unfair to the kids and the families. Kids in foster care go through so many people in and out of their lives as it is, including workers all the time. To be yet another person who disappeared after only a few months would make me an even bigger asshole.
So I think I have pretty much made my decision. I will explain to my boss that I have decided to go to school for a program that I have been contemplating for a couple years, that this may be the best time for me to do so, and that I know I will be unable to do it AND this job at the same time. And that it seems unfair of me (for all the above reasons) to stay on when I know I'm just going to quit. I'll apologize profusely, and genuinely, and then offer to stay two weeks if they'd like, although that really wouldn't make any sense since I would just be getting trained during that time anyway. And then I'd likely get the heck out of there once I turned in my keys and my parking pass, trying to remember that although I feel like an asshole, doing this ultimately makes me less of one.
The problem with this plan is that my boss has class in the morning and doesn't come in until the afternoon so I sorta have to play the game of working there until she comes in AND has the time to meet with me. That's going to feel awkward for me. Not that I have much of a choice.
The only real reason I'd stay on at this point, by the way, would be the money. Financially, this isn't a great decision and I'm sure I'll hear about it from somebody or other. As I've said, I have no problem working at Target or some such place. If I'm concerned about not doing something to keep myself in the field, I can easily volunteer for several programs at the agency I just left. I volunteered there before I worked there and I know they'd be thrilled to have me doing something for them again. Some sort of part-time work might come up that would work out well. I guess we'll see and take that part as it comes.
So I finally got to the point at about 11:30 last night (had gone to bed at 10) where I tried a little EMDR relaxation technique on myself, with a special focus on where I was feeling the stress physically. Fell right alseep, didn't wake up when John came to bed, and woke up feeling much, much, much more rational about the whole thing.
We had a meeting in Rochester so I had to be up and to the office butt-ass early to catch my car pool. Then the meeting and then this big social luncheon thingy with everyone and then drive back and that was the day. So no chance to talk to my boss, but the whole meeting, I just knew that this is not the right place to be.
I know that if I were to stay on, I'd quit when I went on maternity leave so I could potentially start a class in the second summer session in June. With that in mind, I have come up with several reasons why it would be better to leave now rather than later, some I have already stated. First, it would look super shitty on my resume to have only worked at the job for four months. I have a couple where I was only there one year and that seems bad enough, but then throw in a four month one where I up and left when I had my kid... Not a good way to make a first impression with the resume. Second, it would be a giant waste of time for the agency to train me in a pretty intense position that takes a very long time to really get to know just for me to up and leave on them. That hardly seems fair to them. As a professional, I think that would make me a total asshole. Third, which I thought of today, that would be unbelievably unfair to the kids and the families. Kids in foster care go through so many people in and out of their lives as it is, including workers all the time. To be yet another person who disappeared after only a few months would make me an even bigger asshole.
So I think I have pretty much made my decision. I will explain to my boss that I have decided to go to school for a program that I have been contemplating for a couple years, that this may be the best time for me to do so, and that I know I will be unable to do it AND this job at the same time. And that it seems unfair of me (for all the above reasons) to stay on when I know I'm just going to quit. I'll apologize profusely, and genuinely, and then offer to stay two weeks if they'd like, although that really wouldn't make any sense since I would just be getting trained during that time anyway. And then I'd likely get the heck out of there once I turned in my keys and my parking pass, trying to remember that although I feel like an asshole, doing this ultimately makes me less of one.
The problem with this plan is that my boss has class in the morning and doesn't come in until the afternoon so I sorta have to play the game of working there until she comes in AND has the time to meet with me. That's going to feel awkward for me. Not that I have much of a choice.
The only real reason I'd stay on at this point, by the way, would be the money. Financially, this isn't a great decision and I'm sure I'll hear about it from somebody or other. As I've said, I have no problem working at Target or some such place. If I'm concerned about not doing something to keep myself in the field, I can easily volunteer for several programs at the agency I just left. I volunteered there before I worked there and I know they'd be thrilled to have me doing something for them again. Some sort of part-time work might come up that would work out well. I guess we'll see and take that part as it comes.
