Sadness

[sal_amanda]

okay. so i have been friends with this guy paul since we were three years old and playing hot wheels together. he's pulled me through some rough times back in high school and college. post-college, however, he drifted away, only bothering to get in touch with me if he was having a party and needed to make it look like he had a lot of friends to impress people. it's just how he is and i've always accepted it, not really ever getting offended. he's managed to ostracize just about every person he's ever been close to in some sort of fiery argument at one point in time or another, except me and a select few others.

he dated this guy angelo on and off (mostly on) for about five years. in that time, we got to know angelo very well and frequently hung out with him without paul. in fact, i can't tell you the last time i hung out with just paul, but had several occasions where it was just angelo. well, the last break-up they had was an ugly one. paul cheated on ang and generally behaved in an evil, erratic manner, making me wonder seriously if he's not, actually, bi-polar. i never called him on any of it, but i also didn't stop hanging out with angelo. i feel we're grown-ups and can make those decisions on our own without offending others. but a few months ago, he finally told me that he was hurt that i was still friends with angelo and went off with some irrational, but generic, reasons why i shouldn't hang out with ang. he couldn't come up with what these awful things were that ang supposedly did to him. i told him i was sorry he felt that way, but didn't get any further because he cut me off and i haven't heard from him since. knowing how volitile he is, i've just decided not to push the issue. i don't need to feed his psychosis with a fiery, pointless argument of our own. and since he hadn't exactly been much of a friend the past few years, it didn't really bother me all that much to just let it go quietly.

yesterday i was in applebee's with my friend adam when i felt a tap on my back and heard my name. it was this girl tara that is friends with paul from college. she informed me that paul's mom had died and thought i might want to know. i'm glad she told me. in all those years of knowing paul, i've, of course, gotten to know paul's mom, step-dad, and sister. it's a very sad, unexpected situation. i'd like to attend the memorial, but don't know if i'd be welcome. paul already called angelo and told him under no uncertain circumstances is he to attend, and ang is struggling with this. unbeknownst to paul, paul's mom was still in contact with angelo and they had been close over the years anyway, so he wishes to be able to say good-by to her. i guess i would have hoped that such silly pettiness would temporarily be put to the wayside.

so maybe i'll just send him a card. and maybe that's what ang should do, too.

Comments

[flutteronby28.livejournal.com]

i would recommend that ang not attend if that is what paul wants... funerals can become very political and it would be unfortunate to cause unnecessary tension.... ang can say goodbye in his own way on his own time... the important part is to grieve... it would be hard to do so in an un-welcomed environment... i know when my grandma died a lot of people wanted to attend the funeral but were unable to b/c of tensions with the rest of the family... my grandma was the one that loved unconitionally regardless, even though the rest of the family had shunned them for one mistake or another (you may see that we are kindred spirits in that regard)... but when it comes down to it the funeral is a family ceremony and they get to determine who they are comfortable with attending... it seems unfair, and if i were paul i would probably have no problems what-so-ever with ang coming, but im not, so ang should def. find his own way to say good-bye without having to deal with frustrating paul...as for you, if you wish to attend i would call paul or his sister and ask about the service and see if they would be alright if you came to pay your respects... also its always good to cook a dish and bring it to the family, they probably arent cooking for themselves right now...

ok lady, hope this helped some what...

[sal_amanda]

well, and then there's this. paul's sister called angelo the next day asking him to please attend. and then paul's stepdad showed up at angelo's door looking for advice on certan matters and insisted that he attend.

the point has become moot for me because the service is wednesday night and i have one of those seminars i can't miss or i won't get my certificate. so i'm sending out a card in the mail today to paul and i'm trying to dig up the sister's address so i can send her one, too.

meanwhile, i'm trying to decide if i'm supposed to feel slighted. originally, i thought nothing of the fact that paul didn't call me. i mean, his mom died. why would he want to call everyone that he knew? but apparently he did call everyone he knew. except me. i still wasn't going to think anything of it, but both ang and kevin say that i should be offended. angelo is generally oversensitive about things like this, but always practical and frequent devil's advocate kevin got me thinking about it. one more reason i guess i'm glad that i don't have to actually make the decision of going or not.

[(Anonymous)]

Argh. I guess the answers to this depend on your beliefs of who memorial/funeral services are for. They're not really for the people who are gone, they are for the rest of us left over to have closure. I don't think I'd be offended by Paul not calling you, as this sounds like typical Paul behavior. Under such stress, it's not a shock that he would become even more of how he is usually. Funerals bring out the really ugly side of families. If you want to go (even though you can't because of work), I'd say go. What's the difference if he pitches a fit over you being there - he'll probably pitch a fit over something anyway. Angelo is an even trickier situation since the family wants him to go. I say he should go and hang back where the people who want him there are aware he's there. Again, Paul will probably freak out over something anyway, whether Angelo is there or not. The services aren't just for Paul, they are for everyone grieving. And Lord knows a good fight will spice up any wake. jcs

[sal_amanda]

wakes can always use a good spicing up. they pretty much suck otherwise.