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Well, I haven't wanted to post about this until we knew exactly one way or the other so I apologize to anyone who feels left out. We really didn't talk about this to anyone at all except my two co-workers who I spend more time with than I do John most weeks.
I'll do this chronologically.
Last week Tuesday we got a call for a profiling opportunity. She specifically asked for a college educated married couple and because it was in Florida, that rules out same sex couples, too, so that narrowed down the pool a little bit.
So we waited and then on Friday, I ran into a woman whose home study and post adoption I did two years ago for her son who also goes to our daycare. She's had an update done and has recently become profile ready. She was actually picked by a birth mom in Florida around the 4th of July so she hopped on a plane and while they were on their way there, the birth mom changed her mind. Anyway. So when I ran into her on Friday she told me that she'd just gotten a call from our adoption worker, Sue, about a profiling situation. As she started telling me about it, I realized it was the same one we were still waiting to hear about. There was a weird moment there, not because we were being profiled for the same case. I expected that at some point, actually. It was more because why was she being called three days after ours was sent? And she's a single mom and the birth mom had requested married couples. And of course it was a Friday after 5:00 so it wasn't likely that we'd get anyone if we called the agency looking for answers.
It was 6 by the time I got Nora home that day and then I told John about that oddness and was just stumped when the phone rang and it was Sue, our worker. I spooked her a bit by telling her that the other woman and I were just talking about her. But I think it freed her up to be a little more frank since we both knew we were being profiled and that it was clearly a strange situation.
So here's what happened. The birth mom initially wanted to see profiles for African American couples, but the only one they had, declined the case for whatever reason. So then she said she'd look at other couples. We were one of four and apparently ours was the only profile she liked. But she wanted to talk to us about the transracial piece. And also, she did request to see any other profiles they might have.
They sent the profile for this woman that I know, thinking that although she is a single woman, she does already have an African American son. Meanwhile, Sue called to give me the birth mom's phone number so I could call her.
Which I did, and talked to her for about 20 minutes on Saturday. It was a really nice conversation and she really was talking like she'd chosen us already, to the point that we talked about names and she said she'd be fine with having us there when he was born (yes, it's a boy). But I didn't let myself believe it firmly anyway because I knew this profile was going to be there waiting for her when she went back for another appointment Tuesday.
And then Tuesday came and went, but I didn't get a call from the agency. As of yesterday, the agency hadn't heard from the doctor's office who was handling the case. Today was nearly done and I got a call from our worker. She asked if I was somewhere I could talk. That can't be a good sign.
And it wasn't. The doctors were apparently afraid for us to even show the birth mom this woman's profile. Apparently they actually look fairly similar and they thought for sure that as soon as she saw the profile, she'd change her mind about us. And that's exactly what happened.
And as much as it sucks for us, I understand. And I know this woman who is going to be his mother well. If it couldn't be us, I can't imagine anyone better. Plus I'll still get to see him when he starts going to daycare. In a way, I feel like I've had a part in the adoptions for both of her boys. I'm really happy about that part.
I've said all along while we've been waiting that I would want this birth mother to be totally comfortable with her choice. I kind of think she was maybe 95% comfortable with us after talking to me. But with this woman, I think she was instantly 100% comfortable, and I think that's much more important than my feelings. Really.
So yes, I'm disappointed and sad and I've cried a bit. Despite my efforts not to be, I was invested in this case unlike the previous four. But it's okay. Everything happens for a reason. And at the very least, we have validation that our profile is good, and that makes me feel better.
I'll do this chronologically.
Last week Tuesday we got a call for a profiling opportunity. She specifically asked for a college educated married couple and because it was in Florida, that rules out same sex couples, too, so that narrowed down the pool a little bit.
So we waited and then on Friday, I ran into a woman whose home study and post adoption I did two years ago for her son who also goes to our daycare. She's had an update done and has recently become profile ready. She was actually picked by a birth mom in Florida around the 4th of July so she hopped on a plane and while they were on their way there, the birth mom changed her mind. Anyway. So when I ran into her on Friday she told me that she'd just gotten a call from our adoption worker, Sue, about a profiling situation. As she started telling me about it, I realized it was the same one we were still waiting to hear about. There was a weird moment there, not because we were being profiled for the same case. I expected that at some point, actually. It was more because why was she being called three days after ours was sent? And she's a single mom and the birth mom had requested married couples. And of course it was a Friday after 5:00 so it wasn't likely that we'd get anyone if we called the agency looking for answers.
It was 6 by the time I got Nora home that day and then I told John about that oddness and was just stumped when the phone rang and it was Sue, our worker. I spooked her a bit by telling her that the other woman and I were just talking about her. But I think it freed her up to be a little more frank since we both knew we were being profiled and that it was clearly a strange situation.
So here's what happened. The birth mom initially wanted to see profiles for African American couples, but the only one they had, declined the case for whatever reason. So then she said she'd look at other couples. We were one of four and apparently ours was the only profile she liked. But she wanted to talk to us about the transracial piece. And also, she did request to see any other profiles they might have.
They sent the profile for this woman that I know, thinking that although she is a single woman, she does already have an African American son. Meanwhile, Sue called to give me the birth mom's phone number so I could call her.
Which I did, and talked to her for about 20 minutes on Saturday. It was a really nice conversation and she really was talking like she'd chosen us already, to the point that we talked about names and she said she'd be fine with having us there when he was born (yes, it's a boy). But I didn't let myself believe it firmly anyway because I knew this profile was going to be there waiting for her when she went back for another appointment Tuesday.
And then Tuesday came and went, but I didn't get a call from the agency. As of yesterday, the agency hadn't heard from the doctor's office who was handling the case. Today was nearly done and I got a call from our worker. She asked if I was somewhere I could talk. That can't be a good sign.
And it wasn't. The doctors were apparently afraid for us to even show the birth mom this woman's profile. Apparently they actually look fairly similar and they thought for sure that as soon as she saw the profile, she'd change her mind about us. And that's exactly what happened.
And as much as it sucks for us, I understand. And I know this woman who is going to be his mother well. If it couldn't be us, I can't imagine anyone better. Plus I'll still get to see him when he starts going to daycare. In a way, I feel like I've had a part in the adoptions for both of her boys. I'm really happy about that part.
I've said all along while we've been waiting that I would want this birth mother to be totally comfortable with her choice. I kind of think she was maybe 95% comfortable with us after talking to me. But with this woman, I think she was instantly 100% comfortable, and I think that's much more important than my feelings. Really.
So yes, I'm disappointed and sad and I've cried a bit. Despite my efforts not to be, I was invested in this case unlike the previous four. But it's okay. Everything happens for a reason. And at the very least, we have validation that our profile is good, and that makes me feel better.
