We have all known the Brett Kavanaugh type

If I hear about a sexual assault case, I obviously have negative feelings about it. But not since Brock Turner has a case bothered me as much as Brett Kavanaugh. And Kavanaugh actually bothers me a little more. Perhaps because Brock Turner got caught. He didn't face the consequences as much as he should have, but at least everybody knows his name as being synonymous with being a rapist (someone even put his picture in a textbook). 

No, what has really hit me in the chest about Kavanaugh is that I absolutely knew the Brett Kavanaugh type in college. Every time there's a story that discusses some quote from his yearbook, or some sleazy thing that his social organization participated in, or anything like that, it just confirms for me more and more that I totally knew that kind of guy. And more than one. 

I don't want to stereotype The Frat Guy. I dated a frat guy for several years and he was not That Guy. But Greek life at our small college was way out of control. Half the semester you were constantly running into pledges and it was really hard to be one of the few who wasn't interested in that stuff on that campus. And let's face it, part of That Guy's profile is being into drunken shenanigans with his dude-bros, which is a lot of how frat life was there. Not all frat guys are That Guy, but I'd suggest that most of the people that are That Guy went for those kinds of social organizations. 

But a major part of That Guy's profile is privilege. White and rich, or at least pretty well off, and there was no shortage of that population at my college. Because it's a college with a high academic profile, it's got a good chunk of white and well off students. Of course, it's also a state school so there were also the rest of us, but then somebody needs to serve the food in the dining hall, amirite? 

Drunken antics are also part of the profile, but I would parallel my earlier statement that not all people who participate in drunken college antics are That Guy, but most of the people that are That Guy participate in drunken antics. A lot of us have those drunken hijinks stories that we still laugh about. We all made some questionable choices, but the vast majority of us managed not to sexually assault anyone. Yes, even the guys. 

But there's one thought I keep having about a particular guy I was acquainted with in college. Honestly, it's been haunting me for the past week or so, which is why I'm actually writing a rare blog post right now even though I have soooooooo many other things I should be doing. 

I can't completely remember the guy's name and I'm a little hazy on which frat he was in (because ridiculously over the top Greek life leads to that being the way everyone is identified), but I remember a near miss with him. 

My boyfriend, Sean, and I had broken up during our last semester in college. Not the first or the last time we would break up, but at the time it felt pretty final and devastating. After giving myself time to feel bad for myself, I had started getting back out there to have fun during my last few weeks as an undergrad. I really can't even remember how I met this guy, but I just started seeing him everywhere and he'd always come up to me and talk to me. He was very good looking and very smooth and in my fragile state, it was just what my ego needed. 

Now this memory always amuses me given it's location. Financial Aid held some big meeting to serve as a group exit interview for our student loans. I was there and so was Sean, sitting near me, but not with me. That Guy came in and sat with me, chatting me up. He offered me a ride afterwards. I can't remember if I did or didn't bother because I lived so close, but he did get my number. Sean caught up with me later and said something that I didn't realize at first was a little bit of a warning.

He had gone to high school with this guy and had interactions with him there, too, through the Greek world. I don't remember his exact words, but he said something along the lines of being careful not to get caught alone with him. Again, I didn't catch the warning immediately because my first thought was that he was jealous. I talked with my suitemates about it, and one of them clarified which guy I was talking about. I'm fuzzy on the details of what was said, but it was either that they heard or felt that he was a bit "rapey." Now think about that. Those girls I lived with that year were a wonderful and terribly blunt group. But even with how blunt they were, they still gave that warning with a laugh and in a jokey way. And Sean's more serious warning was done in such a subtle way that I almost misunderstood its intent. 

So That Guy called me a few times and I generally found a way to be busy whenever he'd ask me to go out. I'd run into him at the bar, including one time when I actually was by myself, so I quickly got out of there. 

But there was one time that I probably nearly got myself in a bad situation. That Guy's fraternity was sponsoring some all day party and I went with a different group of friends who likely didn't know this stuff about That Guy. Sean's band was playing and he afterwards introduced me to someone just as his friend for the first time, which broke me a lot more than I cared to admit. So instead I got drunk. Really, really drunk. 

I remember a couple of details. I remember that one of our mutual friends had Sean's camera because he had asked her to take pictures of the band, so one of my other friends and I took a selfie on it (which he later sent me a copy of after he got the film developed - it's actually a funny picture). 

But I also remember That Guy coming over to flirt, that he kept encouraging me to get another drink. that at one point he jokingly threw me over his shoulder and was carrying me towards the frat house. Thankfully, even though the friends I was with didn't know he was a touch rapey, they certainly knew me well enough to know I was not myself and extracted me for my own good anyway.

And here's how drunk I was. I remember going back to my dorm, but the next day I was telling a suitemate about the party and she broke it to me that I had already told her all this the night before. I had absolutely no memory of even seeing her. It's the one and only time I was ever so drunk that I had completely blacked out something from my memory, and it scared the shit out of me. I liked to drink, but didn't love getting drunk, but that made me commit to never getting black out drunk ever again. 

The question one might have when I point out my memory loss is if I was slipped anything in my drink. I honestly can't remember if he ever handed me a drink, but I know I really did consume an absurd amount of alcohol that day, so either possibility wouldn't surprise me. 

In retrospect, I have to consider if I would I have remembered had I gone with That Guy and if something had happened. I was still a virgin and very firm about that so I wouldn't have chosen to let things go too far. But he absolutely would have been significantly stronger than me and well, that's all he would have needed. 

I'm lucky that my #metoo moments are generally just your run of the mill street harassment from friends and strangers alike. I don't know how I would have handled anything worse than that. I don't suppose any of us does until it actually happens, no matter how much we speculate, no matter how much we'd like to think that we'd speak up.

But the numbers don't lie. When it happens to someone, very few feel safe enough to make that decision. 

All this is to say, I believe Dr. Ford. Even if she wasn't so credible (and she very much is), I believe her because I can see who Brett Kavanaugh is. And I know the type. And I would bet you do, too, because there are unfortunately a lot of Those Guys out there.